I just took these out of the oven and they smell SOOOOO GOOD!! After I let them cool, I discovered that these aren't really crunch granola bars, they slightly resemble banana bread, but they have a very good sweet flavor! 3 RIPE bananas 1 cup of raisins 1/2 cup nuts (I used a mix of chopped almonds and walnuts) 1/4 cup olive oil (scant) 1/2 tsp salt 2 cups rolled oats sprinkle of dried cranberries, pumpkin seeds sprinkle of cinnamon a little sprinkle of water if needed
1. Mash the bananas, leaving them slightly lumpy. 2. mix in the raisins and oil, then the rest of the ingredients. 3. Let stand for about 10 minutes or more (this is where I sprinkled the water to moisten it a bit and sprinkled a little cinnamon in) 4. I dumped the granola out on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper and shaped it into a thin flat square. 5. Bake in a 375 degree oven for 10-15 minutes or until slightly browned on bottom. I took them out and cut them while they were still soft and put them back in for about 7 minutes. Then took them out, separated them, flipped them, and cooked for another 10 minutes or so on the other side.
I had the day off today, and I wish I really could have enjoyed it, but sadly enough I had to spend about two hours in the chair at the dentist's office. booo. We woke up and got the kids to school. We had decided yesterday to join a small little gym here in Rockport. So as if having a dentist drill on my teeth was not enough pain, I ran a mile on the treadmill and did the eliptical for 15 minutes! It felt really good to work out, and I took it easy knowing that I would be sore in other places that did not involve muscles. My rash on my face and chest seems to be clearing a little, and what's best of all.... no headache at all today!!
Because I had the day off, we decided to go to the grocery store and stock up to make several recipes. Here's what we had today:
Breakfast: Oatmeal with dried apricots, raisins, walnuts, and a sprinkle of cinnamon. We really had to shake it up a little because the plain oatmeal was getting pretty dull.
Lunch: I actually skipped lunch today because I was so sore in the mouth. sad face.
Dinner: I made two things for dinner tonight because I was not sure how either would taste. I wanted something soft for my sore teeth, so I made Chipotle Bean Chili, which was fabulous! I also made Spinach Artichoke Whole Grain Pasta.
For snacks today: We bought a bag of baked Tostitos and had chips and salsa!! Chris really wanted this, but it was a little hard for me to eat after the dentist. But did you know Baked Tostitos only have three ingredients?? Our son made fruit smoothies, and we also had spinach artichoke dip with tofu. I was skeptical... but we both gave it a thumbs up! I also made some Granola Bars for tomorrow which are in the oven baking right now and smell wonderful!!
Praise be to his glorious name forever; may the whole earth be filled with his glory. ~ Psalm 72:19
Day Three seemed to go pretty well. This was my first day with students, and I was a little afraid I would be a cranky teacher without my coffee, but it really seemed to fly by quickly! Chris came up today and brought me lunch, and we really had a great talk about the reasons why we are fasting. We both had a little bit of a headache all day, but our energy was better. When I woke up this morning, my face and chest had broken out with a rash - probably from all of the yucky processed food trying to eek itself out of my pores. My skin felt pretty icky all day - very oily, like I had lots of lotion. Weird!
So here are the three meals that we had today:
Breakfast: Our yummy staple of oatmeal and blueberries. Getting a little old.
Lunch: Sante Fe Stuffed Bell Peppers. To die for delish! I'll put the recipe up soon!
Dinner: Lemon Garlic Brussel Sprouts and a cinnamon sweet potato. We usually fix our brussel sprouts with bacon and parmesan cheese, so I was really afraid I was not going to like them, but they were amazing!
For snacks today, we had hummus and fruit/vegetable juice from our juicer, and lots of dried fruit, with mixed nuts.
Chris and I also started bible study tonight, and I have to tell you the amazing story of what happened. I'm in the middle of writing about it, so come back to read all about it! It is truly an amazing "God Thing"!!
You shall have no other gods before me. ~ Exodus 20:3
Yesterday was a little rough. Not as bad as I thought... but just a little, um... different. No coffee, no tea, no milk, no meat.... And I tried to really focus on the yummy food that we COULD have, but it was hard. My husband and I have never fasted before, so this is a new road we are taking together. We did not have students at school yesterday, and we do not have students at school today - so that made today a little easier. What was hard was trying to explain to my coworkers why I was choosing to fast. More on that here. Today, I still had somewhat of a headache most of the day.
Our devotion today started out with this sentence: "I'm being stalked by a guy named Abraham." And the author talks about how God is trying to get her attention, using the story of Abraham to do it. The devotion focused on not having any idols - and how Abraham loved Isaac a little toooo much. I got the point right away... I surely think that some food and drink *coughs*chocolate and coffee*coughs* were becoming a little too high on my priority list. Especially finding out how hard it is for me to go without them!
But that's not what stuck with me. The first line stuck with me. Because I surely as I live an breathe feel like I am being stalked by the word "sift". I know. Call me crazy. I can't get away from it. I see this word and feel a deep resonance inside of me. I see it in other devotionals, I feel God telling me to prepare to BE sifted. I feel God telling me that this is my word for the moment, and that he wants to use this fast and other things in my life to sift some things out that maybe I have been placing as idols that I have not even realized. I'm not sure what is in store, but I'm hanging on!!
Here are the meals we had today:
Breakfast: Oatmeal with blueberries (I can see this getting old really quick!)
Lunch: Brown rice and quinoa with zucchini and yellow squash.
Dinner: Sante Fe stuffed bell peppers (these were AMAZING!) and sweet potatoes.
My husband and I have decided to go through the Daniel Fast together. More on this later. Today was our first day, and I have to admit... It was not as bad as I thought. Although not having my morning coffee was probably the biggest sacrifice.
Breakfast - Oatmeal with Blueberries
Morning Snack - banana, and carrots/celery with Hummus
Lunch - Brown Rice, zucchini and yellow squash, and a salad with homemade Italian Dressing
Dinner - Potatoes and Onions with leftover rice and a salad
I also snacked on almonds most of the day and had a fruit/vegetable juice that we made with our juicer.
High: We made it through the day without cheating... despite the baby shower cake and leftover chocolate in my classroom!
Low: I had a headache and took 2 advil in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. We both felt very tired and sluggish. In fact, I am going to bed very soon... and it is 8:00pm.
I woke up this morning with a very sad and heavy heart with yet another school in my prayers. This school shooting hit a little close to home because I teach seventh grade. I watched the news over my coffee, mourning for the loss of innocence at the horror that must have unfolded yesterday and I couldn't help but think about what was going through the minds of those who witnessed it. But I also couldn't help but think about my own seventh grade children... because they. are. children. And I cried. Children shooting children.
And as I walked into my classroom this morning, I had your sons and daughters on my mind and there are a few things I want you, America, to know. As teachers, we don't know how to fix this. We would if we could, but we sit and watch in horror and feel like our hands are tied.
And to the students of my classroom, there are a few things I want you to know. I want you to know that you are loved. I love my job, but I love you more. And I want you to know that you matter. I want you to know that I would protect you. I want you to know that I pray for you. I want you to know that I will never turn my back on you.
To my parents... every 60 minutes, I get a new set of faces. Every 60 minutes I begin a new battle. A fight for attention, for understanding. Every 60 minutes, I get a new chance to fix my lesson so that they really "get it". But what I really want them to learn is that I see past the failing grades, the missing assignments, the test scores. I want them to know that they are more than just a number on a report card to me.
"Mr. Masterson ... was a hero ... who stood there and allowed a gun to be pointed right at him." (CNN.com)
I would imagine that nearly every teacher across America would stand up and do the same thing. Because that's what teacher's do. We stress, we plan, we worry if we are teaching it the right way, the best way. We fight for the attention of your children in a world that we (teachers) struggle to understand. And we go home tired. We bring our work home, and I don't mean papers to grade. We bring home the stories, the goodness, the moments of laughter, and we hang on to the "aha" moments and tuck them into our hearts using them as fuel to keep going. Because that's what teachers do. We keep going, we KEEP teaching. And yes, we haul bags of papers and assignments home to grade that never make it inside, because by the time we get home we are weighed down and sore from trying to hold the baggage of our students and there is so much baggage. Weary from the heavy burden of the great task set before us... the task of developing a human, and not just teaching them math or how to analyze a story, but teaching them about life, and how to handle fear when you are afraid you might be shot. And we. are. tired.
I realize that our great state requires me to place more importance on making an inference or passing a test than on being compassionate. So I hope you don't mind, but today - before reading our expository article on "The Spices of the World", we had a conversation about life. We talked about respect, and about how to treat each other with kindness and love.
And over and over and over again, I was asked what I would do if something like New Mexico or Connecticut happened here. And I had to be truthful... I looked them in the eyes and told them I don't know. Because that's the truth. I don't know what I would do if a lunatic showed up with a gun at my school. But I do know that I would pray. And I do know that I would try to be calm. I would like to think that I would be brave. And I would like them to know that I would do whatever it takes to keep them safe.
And even though I can't whisper Christ's name inside the four walls of my classroom, I want my parents and students to know that He is here. And while I realize that I may not be as exciting as a video game, I want my students to know that Jesus loves them. And although I can't tell them that, I want you to know that I will always love them because He first loved me. From the moment they walked into the door in August, they captured my heart. And I pray that they find peace within the walls of my classroom and of our school.
Please join me in prayer for the Berrendo Middle School in Roswell and for a peace to settle upon the schools of our nation.
I've been called lots of things in my life. Trust me... being a middle school teacher... lots. of. things. But I experienced a first yesterday. It happened in our little Sunday School room. I was intensely enjoying my coffee and my blueberry doughnut, listening to various volunteers read scripture from Amos... feeling very proud of myself that we managed not only to get our little family of five to church, but that we arrived on time with one extra friend! So here we were, sitting around, talking about Amos and how he served as a propet to Israel, how God used him to pronounce judgement upon Israel.
Someone read scripture from Amos 5....
1 Hear this word, you cows of Bashan on Mount Samaria, you women who oppress the poor and crush the needy and say to your husbands, "Bring us some drinks!"
2 The Sovereign LORD has sworn by his holiness: "The time will surely come when you will be taken away with hooks, the last of you with fishhooks.
When I first glanced at this scripture, I didn't give it much thought. Bt something cauht my attention. "Bring us some drinks!" Why would asking my husband to bring me a drink be bad?? I tried to concentrate on the lesson, but as God would have it, he kept nudging.... dig deeper. So as the rest of the class went on, reading the story of Amos and discussing... I was stuck on "bring us some drinks!"
Bashan was known for cattle that were fattened up from the fertile fields they grazed. (Bashan was just to the east of the Sea of Galilee.) As it turns out, Amos was refering to the wives of court officials, land owners, or merchant wives... the wealthy women of Bashan. He was calling these women fat cows because of the lavish and extravagent lifestyle they were leading. Now, I realize that Bashan was known for these cows, and that it was a good thing that they were fat.... But I think I can speak with certainty when I say I don't think any woman in history has ever appreciated being called a fat cow!
But here's why Amos did it. The women of Bashan would pressure their husbands to make more and more money to support their lavish and luxurious lifestyles. The husbands would then, in an attempt to please thier wives, turn around and exploit the poor because they had the power to do so.
My head was swirling. Am I a fat cow to God??
Here is the challenge... what ways have I oppressed the poor. In what ways do I pressure my husband to maintain a lifestyle that God has not called me to live? Here are some questions I would like to ask myself, to ask of God. I would hope he will open up any area of my life that is not pleasing to him for radical change.
1. In what ways do I support my husband? How am I showing him that I love and cherish him? Do I tell him that I am proud of who he is?
2. In what ways am I praying for my husband?
3. What conversations are we, as a married couple, having about our finances?
4. In what ways am I honoring my husband with my money? In what ways am I honoring God with my money? In what ways are WE honoring God with our money?
5. In what ways is my family helping others?
The last thing I want is to be a fat cow in God's eyes, or my husband's eyes for that matter. Please join me in prayer that God will open the eyes of our hearts to the ways we are causing oppresion of any kind.
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24
This past Sunday night, I watched as my children swarmed around the house preparing for the week ahead. The girls were busy picking out clothes and cleaning out backpacks and lunch-boxes. My son was shifting back and forth from the computer to the table finishing up a biology project that wasn't even due until Tuesday.
This incredible overabundance of gratitude and pride emerged. They're doing what I've taught them and asked them so many times do!!!!! And I didn't even have to ask them to do it!!!! Just as I was about to break out into full on momma-happy-dance... God handed me a magnifying glass. I walked over to his project, and upon further inspection, I noticed that it was really lacking in detail - detail that my little teacher heart knew he could add to get the "A" I knew he was capable of. And there may have been a little... okay, a lot of teacher coming out when I stumbled over the right way to tell him that he was capable of doing better.
Before I knew it, I was fully engaged in confrontation with my teenager. What stopped me in my tracks were these words from his mouth - words that were said with such conviction, that it just broke my teacher heart: "I don't know why you're so upset??? It's passing, and that's good enough!!"
I began to wonder where I had gone wrong. When did "That's the best I can do" get exchanged with "I'm okay doing the bare minimum?" I felt a tinge of disappointment in myself as a mother. And as I stepped back from this confrontation, God pointed the magnifying glass at me. When did I stop giving God my best? When did I become okay with just barely passing for Jesus?
I needed alone time with God to rekindle the desire to do my best for him. He brought me to our scripture for today's post, and reminded me that as long as I seek Him, he will bridge the gap of where I fall short as a mom. He reminded me that when I focus on Him, give Him my very best of everything - that He will pour out his very best on me.
I don't want to be lacking in his eyes. Next time, I'm giving it all. I'm starting by looking for opportunitites to bless others. I'm recording the blessings I see around me everyday. Are you with me?
Waking up first thing in the morning, I see His mercy and grace... shiny and new for the taking.
Rushing to that first cup of coffee, I see warmth and feel His presence as I soak up His word.
Rousing my children, I see opportunity.
Rushing through each morning, the stumbling to get out of the door... I see togetherness and a mix of missed opportunities.
The ten minute ride to the school, I see a man sitting next to me and not the innocent boy who played legos.
Listening to my girls sing in the back seat and giggle, I see the future.
Walking into the halls of my school, I see teachable moments and try to avoid the stress.
As bells rings, and faces fade in and out of my classroom, I see sadness and frustration and try in my fleeting moments to console those who are so deeply sad.
As the copy machine flies and plans are made and weeks transform into weekends, I try to find opportunities to love, and to SEE the good in all of my students.
And as Monday approaches, I see yet another reflection of His mercy and grace.
If there is ANYONE on this planet who feels more unequipped to lead a bunch of teenage girls.... let me just be the first to tell you.... IT IS ME!! I teach 7th grade reading, and with that being said, you are correct in assuming that I feel comfortable around those strange creatures known as pre-teens... tweens if you will. But being comfortable around a mixed group of 11-13 year olds in a classroom, where I am required to talk about things like theme, and setting, and summary, or main idea, or why Katniss volunteered for tribute is easy. Leading teenagers to Christ? My knees start to buckle.
So, back in August, I was approached at the beginning of the year by a precious sweet girl. She came in with a flock of friends and asked if The Pure Heart Girls could meet in my classroom after school a few times a month. Before I could even think.... I heard the word "SURE!" come out of my mouth. I then immediately thought..... what have I gotten myself into???? So I tried to find something age appropriate for our first meeting.
How do you minister to tween girls... in a public school??? I wasn't sure of my boundaries. I didn't have any good devotionals or studies we could follow so I turned to an unequipped girls best friend.... google.... um, after praying, of course.
This is one of the first things I found. I must have watched it 5 times before I saved the link to show the girls. It is such a powerful message.
We watched this video the very first meeting that we had. If you have daughters, I would encourage you to watch it. I beg you to watch it... "more than the price tag on their clothes ... or the followers they have on twitter ... regardless of who they think they are ... whether they are on the hot list or the not list ... the reality is that they are powerful, and strong, and capable." When I'm having a really bad hair day, I need to remember to come back and watch this again!
I also had remembered reading about a young group of girls who met at someone's house, and I could not for the LIFE of me remember the website or what they called the girls. And just as I sat down to start searching appropriate devotions... to the glory of God wouldn't you know it... the name just popped in my head. The Balcony Girls! Isn't that awesome how God works like that! It was just another reminder that I had made the right decision to be a part of these sweet young ladies' lives. And I am really so deeply humbled and honored that God chose me to whisper His truth into their hearts. So I used a lot of what The Balcony Girls do to talk about virtues, and girl-type relationship issues for our first few meetings, and it has proven to be a huge hit! I will more than likely buy their e-books... and I will keep blogging about our meetings!
There's always lots of giggling and laughter and games and red punch and oreos and chips and dip and fellowship and it is ALWAYS amazing. They are UUUUUhhhhhh-mazing. We meet for about an hour and talk about what it means to be "A Pure Heart Girl"... saving yourself for your husband, for marriage and I muddle my way through the awkward conversations and gently remind them for the REALLY tough questions that they should probably ask their parents.
We watched the video above, and they sat mesmorized. The next meeting, as the girls came in, they all wrote down questions that they had about God, about The Bible... and for a solid hour, we talked about salvation, people in the bible, families, and hard situations, and before leaving we joined hands in a circle and prayed. Yall. It moved me tears to listen to these girls pray for each other, and our school, and our teachers, and future relationships, and for healing, and a whole array of social issues that flowed out of their hearts to the cross of Jesus.
Just a few of The Pure Heart Girls who collected toiletries for a local women's shelter.
So I really want to do something special for these girls. When I look over all of my regrets in my life, I think that the times that I veered off course is partly due to not having God's word tucked away in my heart. I really want to have The Full Armor of God so that I can take a stand... but more than anything, I want to teach them the importance of knowing God's word. I want for them to be so overwhelmed by God's love for them, that they will know in their darkest hours that he is light. I want them know that when they are stressed out and unsure and pressured, that they can lean on Christ. I never want them to doubt that whatever happens, they can draw from the well of mercy and grace.
Starting this spring semester, The Pure Heart Girls will be creating journals. Not just ordinary journals, but journals where they will hopefully find the beauty of God's word (thank you Ann Voskamp for the mighty inspiration). A journal to keep memory scriptures, and favorite verses, and maybe a few notes from The Balcony Girls Books. I picked out ten scriptures that we are going to memorize. Each week when we meet, we will paste God's word into our journal and have a small devotion about it! I want God's word to be beautiful to these girls... and me. I want them to believe God's word... "What is beautiful in our lives is what actually becomes the most useful in our lives. We are drawn to beauty and Jesus is the Most Beautiful — so hang up His words as art." Ann Voskamp
So by the end of the school year, we will have {hopefully} memorized ten of the most beautiful scriptures in God's Words. Would you like to join us? I'm including the ten verses below as we are using them.
.... I will keep adding these as I make them! Feel free to share them, print them, hang them wherever you need a reminder of the beauty of God's word!
I am choosing to participate in Ann Voskamp's #JoyDare for 2014. She is calling 2014 "The Year to Fly". I could not have poured over her blog pages more only five short days ago as I stood on the cliff of the new year not really feeling able to fly at all. I certainly won't say it was Ann that gave me wings and helped me to get out of a crazy pit that I was in, because it was Christ... but she certainly gave me inspiration on where to look in God's word that strummed on my depressed little heart strings perfectly.
So I will begin counting my blessings. A gratitude list. January:
For getting back on track.
For Whitley's safe dentist appointment.
For wonderful teaching partners who support me when I'm sick!
For sleeping children who let their parents rest.
For a bountiful New Year's Day Dinner - ham, sweet potatoes, green beans, cornbread and black eyed peas.
For my wonderful BLUE workout outfit from my mom that ALMOST inspires me to go run even though it is 40 outside!
For Beth Moore's free books.
For a beautiful bracelet from my husband for Christmas.
For a wonderful Christmas in Austin with my grandmother.
For chocolate!!!!!
something I'm making - thankful for sparkly blue material to make a cape like Elsa's from Frozen for my sweet girls....
For my husband who took such great care of me when I was sick!
A gift held - for my beautiful neice's brand new perfectly perfect little girl
Thankful for returning back to work.... closer to summer!
Thankful today for the health of my father-in-law who came through gallbladder surgery and is just fine!!
one thing in my bag - so thankful for ipads and iphones to enterain my littles on log trips to the store
one thing in my fridge - yummy southern biscuits to make pig-in-a-blankets!
for First Baptist Church, Rockpot and how anxious I am to start a new bible study next week.
Lovely shadow - so thankful for cloud covered rainy days to prepare our garden for some spring planting! It was freezing yesterday, and warm today with constant drizzle!
a yellow gift - for the bright yellow son that was shining today
for driving by a certain place and being able to claim redemption with Romans 8:1-2
1/11/14 - a husband who paints my daughter's nails.
1/11/14 - for laughing and giggling little girls who sleep over and the promise to have people over more often
1/11/14 - a freezer full of deer meet
1/12/14 - the first time at church in 2014... for a great sermon and a little conviction in sunday school
1/12/14 - The gift of a very talented and smart son working on his biology project beside me at the table
1/13/14 - for being organized and getting test grades into the computer
1/13 for being patient with certain students
01/13 for being responsible about getting to meetings on time
2013 has quite honestly beaten me. And while I'm being honest... so did 2012. It's been more than a while since I have written anything, and here I am, taking a risk, about to bare my soul. I feel a fire being rekindled, so I sat down early this morning and started this post that evolved into what I hope will be a turn back to writing, and more importantly, a turn back to God.
Five days into the new year, and here I am, feeling like a little bit of a failure for not setting any "goals" or making any "resolutions". Heck, our family barely made it to the table for New Year's Day dinner. Over this Christmas vacation, I felt the new year rapidly approaching, and I don't know about the rest of you... the whole five who are probably reading this... but I would sit down and to try and examine different areas of my life that I wanted to change... my family, my kids, my health, my marriage, my job... every corner of my life seemed to be SCREAMING for improvement.
If you are struggling, please hold onto this verse!
I felt... I feel very overwhelmed and I would find it easier to shut down and do nothing except sleep late and stay in my pj's and surf the internet, as if hoping to get some idea of where to start on reorganizing and improving my life. And I again find myself at the shiny new start of a new year, and I should be feeling excited at the new possibilities a new year can hold, right???
But instead, I have felt like I have been in the bottom of a very dark pit, reaching for a rope that is just out of reach. And I jump, and I climb, and I claw, but whatever I try to do to grasp it, I fall short. And I got really tired, so I made this pit my home. Oh, I jumped in willingly about a year and a half ago, with some really bad decisions. But the road that led to my pit was camouflaged and ended up with some horribly awful decisions that could have caused destruction to my family the likes of a nuclear bomb. Decisions that came with consequences that I never expected, but choices that I fully take ownership of now.
And yet, still, to this day, I can not explain why I did what I did. Oh sure, I could rationalize it or excuse it away, but I'm not going to. How this bible studying, church going, mission traveling, God loving girl ended up in such a huge pit is really quite a mystery to me. One day, I packed my bags and walked out on my husband. At this point, the day I left, I was completely numb. Indifferent. Detached. To my marriage, and more importantly... to God. I did not anticipate the devastation I was causing... because devastation was not immediate. It came slowly and started long before I found myself driving away from our two story white brick house.
My road to destruction looked like this.
And I didn't even seem to notice.
Devastation seeped in one small moment at a time. I was unknowingly in the driver's seat on a one way trip to destruction-ville. I had my eyes fixed on so many other things other than Christ. I woke up one morning and found myself in the biggest web of a mess I had ever known, and I did the only thing I knew to do. Leave. Get out. So that's what I did.
Months later, somehow and miraculously, my husband offered forgiveness. Not just He fought for me. I saw the devastation in his eyes and through his tears, but yet he fought for me. He fought for our family. And with every letter, with every conversation... I slowly started to come out from under a fog of influence that I can not explain... like going through detox. And the more he fought, the more I breathed in God's grace. Over the course of many months, we reconciled. And once I took in a fresh deep breath of God, a sorrow hit me like none I had ever known before. I can remember the day exactly... March 10th.
We decided to go to a big community event. I spent the evening catching up with old friends, and it really was a very lovely evening. I remember feeling that our marriage was back on track. We were having fun together, after such a long time of feeling that everything was falling apart. The next day, we woke up and my husband said something that caught me off guard. I asked him to repeat it, and the conversation turned me back to a very dark place. My sin had been exposed, and my "friends" were talking about it. I thought I had done my best to cover up my dreadful choices, but not only did people know... they were talking about it...and talking about it to my husband. I felt shame wash over me like a tidal wave. I felt defeated. I felt betrayed. I felt like a failure on so many levels that shame and self-disgust are not even accurate words..
Sorrow over my sin brought upon such a fog
of depression.
Sorrow replaced my ability to function for what seemed like forever. Oh I'm sure I looked ok on the outside, but I was a crumbling weeping mess. Shame mixed with sorrow over my inability to stop comparing my life to others, which led me to my sin that caused me to leave my family and put my husband through such turmoil. Sorrow over how ungrateful I had been. Sorrow over the loss of our home, the near loss of my marriage. Sorrow and shame to an extent I have never known. And it didn't go away. I thought I had started to climb out of the pit that I willingly jumped into, but in one fell swoop, I slid back in. I felt hopeless at overcoming this rock-bottomness. I felt alone. I would periodically pop my family into church, but just overall felt pretty doomed. There was one lingering question that remained... did I feel sorry because I was truly remorseful and repentant for what I had done, or was I just sorry to find out that people really did now about it. This fog seemed to continue for quite a while until....
I came across this post the other day. And then this one, where the writer says this:
But on a spiritual level, I feel pretty slimy. And gross. And in need of a gentle reminder, that there is a tomorrow. There is another day. And that more than the perfect mom, my kid needs to see a mom that falls hard (even after well-intentioned plans) and picks herself up again, by the grace of God.
And oh my heavens, yall. I feel slimy. Spiritually slimy. Today is the first Sunday of the new year, and I had all intentions of waking my family to see to it that we got off to church, but instead found myself fighting with my own two feet like awkward appendages to hit the ground. And Ann's post echoes in my head.... how do I move forward into the new year when I feel like I have failed the year before. And maybe even the year before that.
How in the world do you step hopeful into the next year when you tripped messy through the last year? How do you stand brave with all the smiling rest and ring in the new year when the old year still feels a bit like a millstone around the neck? What if everyone else is making New Year’s resolutions and you just want New You solutions?
And just a few days ago, something miraculous happened. Something that made me realize....
I don't want New Year's resolutions. I want The One that makes all things new. I don't want a plan to have a better year, I want a plan to experience more of His plan. I don't want more inspiration, I want The One who inspires. I don't want more organization, I want to be organized by Him. I don't want to be challenged to save money, I want Him to save me. I don't want to eat healthier, I want for the only words that matter to be my constant diet.
I don't want to compare my life, my past mistakes with anything or anyone other than The One whose opinion matters most. I don't want to feel inadequate, haunted by the sins of the past; I want to exchange those failures for experience. I'm worn out and tired and I want to rest in His arms.
So what was it that turned me around??? Well, after an argument with my husband... he found me in the bathroom sobbing. I just could not shake this sorrow and was so desperate for healing... was so desperate to get back to normal.... even if it was a new normal. He scooped me up, and just hugged me. Through tears, I asked him "how do you not totally hate me??" His answer -
Can you believe I actually live here!
What a gorgeous sunrise over the Rockport Harbor.
Photo credit to Rob Green.
because I promised to love you until I die.
And it hit me like a bomb. I felt like the sun was rising, I felt a heaviness lift. I felt the past melt. I felt warmth. I felt blessed, and the swelling of gratitude for this man was unearthly. Because I promised to love you until I die. And all I could think about was God's mercy and grace and goodness. And how He loved me until He died.
On this, the fifth day of the year... a day that I should have been in church, I am finding peace at 2:42 in the afternoon, still in my pajamas. Because mercy has found me. And where there is mercy, there is love. And what started with my husband's overwhelming ability to forgive me really started with the cross. So please, if you will, please join me in this prayer... pray it for you... pray it for your family, but if The Spirit so leads you... please pray it for me.
Father God, I come running back to you. I come running home. I want to fix my eyes on you and nothing else. Jesus, I lay 2013 at your feet and with it all of the mistakes and bad decisions. I thank you that you make all things new. And as I stand on the brink of 2014, I pray that you will guide my steps. I pray that I come to know you more. That I read your word more, that I commit it to memory so that I can live it out. As my family starts this new year, I thank you for the peace and gratitude that I feel for them. For the relief that I feel that I don't have to try to be perfect. I thank you that you chose to love me so much that you died for me. I pray that I don't grow weary. Help me to remember that you have forgiven me, so that I may forgive myself. Help me to replace anguish over past mistakes with an anguishing desire to know you more. And as I step forward into this new year, help me to let go of my resolutions and hang onto you.
Lord I come, I confess. Bowing here I find my rest.
Without You I fall apart. You're the one that guides my heart.
Lord, I need You, oh I need You. Every hour I need You.
My one defense, my righteousness. Oh God, how I need You.
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more.
Where grace is found, is where You are.
And where You are, Lord I am free.
Holiness is Christ in me.
Lord, I need You, oh I need You. Every hour I need You.
My one defense, my righteousness. Oh God, how I need You.
So teach my song to rise to You.
When temptation comes my way.
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You.
Jesus You're my hope and stay.
Lord, I need You, oh I need You. Every hour I need You.
My one defense, my righteousness. Oh God, how I need You.
My one defense, my righteousness. Oh God, how I need You.
We have been planning our trip to Disney World since after Christmas. We have been saving and planning after the girls went to bed, and keeping it a secret for six long months! We have toyed around with the idea of how we were going to tell them... and I was really torn. I wanted to spend time with them watching each big Disney movie right before we went, but I didn't want them to get curious as to why we were watching so many Disney movies all at once. Then I stumbled upon a brilliant idea... Disney family movie nights! And then I stumbled on another great idea... dinners to go with each movie, and that's when I knew that we should tell them that we were going. Yesterday, we let the cat out of the bag. Chris took the girls on some "errands" and I got the house set up for the big reveal. I made a "menu" to go with each night's Disney movie - ten in all. And just used what he had to decorate. I also cut some strips of scrapbook paper so the girls could make a countdown to Disney chain, and blinged out our table with all kinds of Disney princess stuff....
And our entry way...
The plan was to have the girls come in with their eyes closed, and then have them open and read the words across the entry. The moment is priceless:
Like they had just won the lottery! So after the big surprise, we sat down at the table and made our countdown chains...
And then I explained to them that each night we would be watching a Disney movie and having a special dinner to go with the movie. We had already planned on smoking a brisket, so the movie we chose to watch tonight was Lion King. Here was our menu:
Mufas's Magical Meat was the brisket:
Prideland Potatoes... super yummy, and even better... super easy!
Timon & Pumba's Pot o' Grubs = Pinto Beans
Simba's Simmering Surprise = Peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream!
The girls were SUPER pumped about watching Lion King. Whitley even went to put on her Disney jammies! I'm so glad that the cat is out of the bag and that we can spend the next ten days enjoying quality family time....
I had all but abandoned the thought of blogging. In reality, I just don't have the time for it. It has been over a year since I have posted, and I'm totally ok with that. So if anyone out there in blog land happens to stumble over this, please don't think that I blog regularly or even want to jump back into blogging. After coming across this book called "The Plan", my husband and I have agreed to go through it together, and remembering that I had not deleted this dusty old thing, I thought that this might be a good place to journal my results, since any pen and paper journal I buy ends up in the hands of my two young artists with no blank pages left for me to journal.
For those of you who are not familiar with this book, it is called "The Plan" by Lyn-Genet Recitas. You can find her website here and her book here. Here is the amazon summary, in case you don't believe me:
In this revolutionary, New York Times bestselling book, cutting-edge nutrition expert Lyn-Genet Recitas reveals the surprising truth behind what actually makes people pack on the pounds. Carbs and portion sizes, it turns out, are not the problem. Foods that are revered by traditional weight loss programs, such as turkey, eggs, cauliflower, beans, and tomatoes, may be healthy in a vacuum, but when combined with each person's unique chemistry, they can cause a toxic reaction that triggers weight gain, premature aging, inflammation, and a host of health problems including constipation, migraines, joint pain, and depression.
Now this groundbreaking 20-day program helps readers finally unlock the mystery behind what does and does not work for their individual body. With detailed meal plans, recipes, and effective, personalized advice, you will discover how to:
-Lose a half a pound a day while enjoying generous servings of foods you love
-Identify your hidden trigger foods that are causing weight gain and inflammation, among other symptoms
-Build a personalized healthy foods list that promotes rapid weight loss
-Avoid feeling bloated, tired, or unhealthy again!
Feel better, look better, and be empowered by the knowledge of what truly works best for your body!
After having my third baby five years, I was bound and determined to loose all baby weight. I jogged, I ran, I ellipticaled, I yoga-ed, I zumba-ed, I ran some more, I insanity-ed and p90-ed, and nearly starved myself, and nothing was working.
What's worse... I was actually gaining weight. And what's worse than that... I started having very minor health problems!! Some eczema on my left leg, headaches, and some pretty intense menstrual problems. So I all but stopped working out when we moved to Rockport and started working, because number 1, I didn't feel like it. And number 2, with my new job, I told myself that I did not have time.
Anyway... long story short. I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. So when I heard about this book, I grabbed it off of Amazon for my kindle and read through almost all of it in one night. There are testimonies of women who have never felt better... health problems similar to the ones that I described all but gone, and more energy than they have ever had. Where do I sign up? So I made the grocery list, made some trips to multiple stores, and the bigger health food store in Corpus and made the pledge that I was going to commit and change the way I eat and live.
So, I would like to journal each day how things have gone. I will be interested to see if I will loose weight... but remember that weight loss is not really my main goal. Health. So. Wish me luck. We start tomorrow!!
Well, we are back from vacation. And I have never been more happy to see my bathtub in all my life. And my air conditioner. And my washing machine for that matter. We've spent the past few days in a post vacation haze, lots of staring and milling around and sleeping late and doing nothing. I love summer. Really, I do. I love the heat and the swimming and the traveling and the lazy days, but I always know I'm about ready to wrap it up when the temperature reaches a point where you swear you see satan putting on sunscreen or I catch my children standing in front of the open fridge not to get food, but to cool off. When I'm okay with my husband's arctic 68 degrees thermostat setting, I'm done. We had a great vacation to our family's ranch and to the (dry) Frio River, but I could have done without the 120degree heat. you laugh? that was the heat index in the parking lot. The fact that there was no hot water did not bother me in the slightest.
Anyhooo, now that I am but I did want to share some of the fun things that we have done this summer. While we have not crossed everything off of our summer bucket list, we have had a great summer!
Here's what we've done so far.....
We've seen the dolphins at the aquarium!
We got to hold a baby goat!
And asked 597 times if we could have one!
We spent 4th of July with our best friends!
We suprised our Nana on her 80th birthday!
And got to spend time with family!
We love our cousins!
Watching the fireworks with Daddy!
I think these faces are priceless!
We got to dip our feet into some pretty cool fountains!
We melted mommies heart just a little more!
We got to swim in all kinds of places!
We played football with Jay Novacek from the Dallas Cowboys!!
We had a picnic on the Medina River.
We swung from a rope swing into the Frio!!
We rode in the back of the truck and spotted some great wildlife on the ranch!!
**This post is part of the current series "Who Was Jesus? Practical Ways to Teach Our Children About Who Christ IS" You can find the entire series linked up here when we are done.**
We are currently in one of the worst droughts Texas has ever seen. My grandparent's generation talks about being young the last time we experienced a drought this bad. Some counties are starting water rations, yards everywhere are brown and dry, and it doesn't look like there is rain anywhere in sight. Almost every county in Texas has a burn ban in place. While on vacation, my children had a hard time understanding why we couldn't have a campfire to make smores. I had to explain that during extremely dry conditions, burn bans are issued because the majority of fires are started by the carelessness of humans. All it takes in one little spark from a campfire blowing in the wind to ignite a blaze that can destroy hundreds or thousands of acres of forest.
Our words can often be like one little spark. They seem small and harmless on their own, but the end result could be acres of shattered lives. When used carelessly, our tongues utter words that stand in contrast to God's love. Who among us has not ever wished we could take back something we said? Our words can greatly benefit others, but they can also damage them. This is an area that can be often overlooked, because we don't see how damaging our words can be.
When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
It is easy for us to talk about how our world is falling apart... politically, socially, morally. But do we think about the damage our words can cause in the lives of those that are closest to us? Why is it so hard to tame our tongues? Sometimes, it is hard to believe that there are aspects of our lives that are directly affected by hell itself, but James is very clear that our tonges are set on fire by hell itself. Satan knows where we are weak and he will use those areas against us!
Our words are like a river. They can mold and shape our children.
This is an area where are children learn from us the most. Because they are listening and watching, even when we think it does not matter. Of all the struggles life presents to us, there is perhaps no greater struggle than our battle with our tongue. We may try to tame this smallest part of our body, but if we are not careful, it can wreak havoc on ourselves and our family when it goes unchecked. Without God's help, the fires of hell will spew out of our mouth and start fires that we can't put out.
So how can we teach our children the power of their words?
1. PRAY:
When you hear your children saying something harsh, rude, or unkind... stop and pray with them right then and there. Take stock of our own words, and ask God to bring to light any of our own words that we might need to apologize for. In our quiet times, pray that God will help to tame our tongues and ask God to use our tongues to bring life.
2. GET INVOLVED:
Get your children to do this simple and fun activity with you. You will need a tube of toothpaste, a plate, and a spoon for each child. Start by telling them that you want them to squeeze out the entire tube of toothpaste onto the plate. They will ask why, but tell them that they will find out shortly. When the tubes are empty, now tell them that you have changed your mind, that you now want them to put the toothpast back into the tube. Again, don't tell them why, but notice their comments. Talk with them about how hard it is to put the toothpaste back in, how impossible. When they are done trying, explain to them that our words are like the toothpaste, once they come out, you can apologize, and you can say "I take it back", but once they are out, there is no going back in.
Father God, I pray about my words. I pray that you guide my tongue. I pray that you give me self control and patience in hard situations when my children are watching and listening to how I react. I pray that you give me words that are kind and loving and supportive and respectful, not words that criticize and destroy. I want my words to bring life and love to others, not spew fires that I can't put out. I pray that my children would learn from you, not from friends or television or songs they listen to, but help me to realize that they are only going to learn from you by watching me. In Christ, amen.
